Channeling Sara

“Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns.” -Sara Bareilles

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A few weeks ago I ran a RACE.  I did a lot of mental preparation for this race.  You see, this race was supposed to be a jumping off point of me letting go.  Letting go of you.  Somehow after all this time, after all the hurt and all the sorrow…I am still so emotionally committed to you.  And I can’t be.  I know I can’t be.  Because you are not committed to me.  In any shape or form.  That, itself, is a painful truth.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated with myself.  Seeing that man that looked liked you brought everything back.  Slapped me in the face.  Slapped me in the heart.

“The distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view.”

When I crossed the finish line one thing was clear.  I still love you. Just as much. Just as strong.  Maybe even more.  Your personal healing is more important to me than my being with you.  In the end, if  you have found healing, love , family and peace and happiness and I am alone.  By myself.  Okay.  Just heal.  Please God, bad out, good in.  Bad out.  Good in.

“My love is a burden I can’t carry anymore.”

Please heal me too.  Help me to give my love for him to you, Heavenly Father.

“Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I will breathe again.”

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