Channeling Demi

Music is powerful.  It has the power to bring me low or bring me high.  It can validate the way I am feeling when I am feeling like no one understands.  It touches the soul.  It makes me sing.  It tells the truth and very often- it tells my truth.  Listening to Demi has been healing for me in my recovery.  One song that describes how I feel about My Buffalo Guy is “In Case.”  One that describes how I am trying to feel about myself is “Warrior.”

This morning I saw this Clean and Clear add featuring Demi.  I loved it.  I loved how she talked about being a real person who doesn’t always have it together.  I am not famous but I know what she is talking about and I am sure you do too.  Sometimes I feel like others view me as having it all together.  Whether that is true or not, I feel the pressure of that way of thinking.  I also loved how Demi talked about therapy.  I go to therapy every week.  Therapy is hard work.  Really. Hard. Work.  But worth it.  It has made a difference in my life.  It has saved my life.  Read more about my therapy experience HERE.

So thank you Demi.  Thank you for being brave.  For being honest.  In word and song. You sharing your truth has helped make me feel more the warrior I am.  Your music has played on repeat many of times as I have broken down and cried in the shower.  They have played so loud in my car , drowning out my own voice as I sang along.  They have pushed my feet to move one step after another on my daily runs.  Your music has not only validated but made me strong.  Thank you.

In the Pit of My Stomach

In the pit of my stomach, in the center of my heart.  In every thought in my mind.  It makes my brain come alive.

You know that feeling.  It courses all through your body.

Triggered.  A mix of scary, excitement, feeling.

A reminder of loss.  Reliving the hurt.  All the things he said.  But also all the good. There is still hope inside of me.

It is as if I am slowly dying.

Everyone tells me it gets better.  But in moments like these there is no better.  Only love with no place to go. Except to the pit of my stomach, to the center of my heart.  To every thought in my mind making my brain come alive.

I will probably be out of commission for a few days.  Breathing.  Taking my time.  Grieving.  Passing through every stage.  Again.

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This is my favorite necklace.  My mom bought it for me when we were in Park City this past April.  I always think how My guy on a buffalo could probably tell me what kind of rock it is,

Channeling Sara

“Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns.” -Sara Bareilles

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A few weeks ago I ran a RACE.  I did a lot of mental preparation for this race.  You see, this race was supposed to be a jumping off point of me letting go.  Letting go of you.  Somehow after all this time, after all the hurt and all the sorrow…I am still so emotionally committed to you.  And I can’t be.  I know I can’t be.  Because you are not committed to me.  In any shape or form.  That, itself, is a painful truth.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated with myself.  Seeing that man that looked liked you brought everything back.  Slapped me in the face.  Slapped me in the heart.

“The distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view.”

When I crossed the finish line one thing was clear.  I still love you. Just as much. Just as strong.  Maybe even more.  Your personal healing is more important to me than my being with you.  In the end, if  you have found healing, love , family and peace and happiness and I am alone.  By myself.  Okay.  Just heal.  Please God, bad out, good in.  Bad out.  Good in.

“My love is a burden I can’t carry anymore.”

Please heal me too.  Help me to give my love for him to you, Heavenly Father.

“Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I will breathe again.”